Calling all people pleasers!
People pleasing happens when we believe we have to put ourselves last. And while we may think we are doing good by putting others first, eventually it's builds to anger and frustration, and we do not want to go to that place.
So, to make sure we don't get there, we turned to award-winning executive coach Mitchell Creasey, who’s going to help us stop people pleasing in its tracks.
This starts with understanding there's a problem.
When we people please, it's often because we're just more comfortable listening to someone else's voice than we are our own. So, once we understand why we put others first, we can start correcting it by turning inward.
Whenever we're in a situation and we notice ourselves putting ourselves last, we want to come within and say, ‘OK, what is it I really need here? What is it that I want?’ and then take action.
“For example, when your child wakes up in the middle of the night and you roll out of bed and you're gonna go in and you're gonna pick up that child, but it's 2:00 a.m. and you're parched. Rather than going straight in, grab a drink of water. First, your kid isn't going to go anywhere. And you are going to be in a much better position to help them because you yourself have been taken care of,” says Creasey.
Next, Creasey says it's important to give yourself permission to be your own source of happiness. When we do a lot of things for a lot of people, often we start to use their reactions as qualifiers for our own happiness.
“Say, as a coach, I couldn't be happy with a session until I received a confirmation email from a client who tells me I did a good job. Instead of doing this, try asking yourself, ‘What am I looking for from them? And can I give it to myself first?’” Creasey says. “So, if I give myself the pat on the back, if I tell myself, ‘Good job,’ if I give myself permission to take a break, I remove the middle man and I place myself back at the seat as the source of my own happiness.”
Moving along with keeping the promises you make to yourself, instead of fixing everything for everyone, Creasey says to keep one promise to yourself a day.
“If you're gonna go to the movies, go to the movies. If you're gonna work out, work out.”
He says remember that other people’s happiness is not your responsibility… your happiness is your responsibility.
“And the paradox of it all is once you are taking care of, you're in such a better position to help others if you choose to do so, because at the end of the day, it's all about feeling good within ourselves,” Creasey said.
Finally, he says we need to enjoy the process of correcting people.
“Pleasing is not a linear process. There are gonna be days you kill it. You think, ‘Good. Done. Nailed it,’ because it's all good. And then there are gonna be days where you're like, ‘Have I even grown in the last five years?’”
Creasey says the key is to remember to be gentle with yourself and that this is a process. Like water rises and falls when filling a glass, it takes time for your consciousness to adjust to the truth that you are whole just as you are.
Reclaiming our own happiness by saying “no” to people pleasing is at the top of the list, he says.