YORK COUNTY, Va. — When Lashanda Dobson is asked what she would say if she could talk to her 18-year-old son Caleb Cotman one more time, the answer does not come easily.
"Oh my God. Oh, what would I say?" Dobson said. "How much I miss him."
She said the weeks since her son's death have only made his absence more apparent.
"We're struggling every day. It gets harder and harder," Dobson said. "We miss you, and wish you were here."
Cotman was shot and killed Aug. 7 in York County. He was 18 years old, had recently graduated from high school and, according to his mother, was preparing to turn his love of cooking into a career.
Now, Dobson wants people to know not only how her son died, but how he lived.
"Caleb means something to me and this world," she said. "Caleb represented positivity."
Dobson described her son as a "big old teddy bear" and a "gentle giant" who loved his family and generally preferred being at home rather than going out.
"He loved his family. He loved his mom and adored his father," Dobson said.
She said Cotman spent time playing video games, being with friends and family and, especially, cooking.
"He always looked out for everybody, cared about everybody, and he just wanted to please people with his cooking," she said.
Fried chicken was one of his specialties. So were pork chops and fish. But Dobson said there was one dish her son was particularly proud to master: macaroni and cheese.
"Once he mastered macaroni and cheese, that was his thing," she said.
During the holidays, Cotman would put those skills to work for his family. Dobson recalled one Christmas when her son cooked two turkeys along with macaroni and cheese and other dishes before the family packed up the food and took it to his brother's home.
"He could cook," she said.
For Cotman, it was supposed to become more than something he did for his family.
Dobson said her son had just graduated and was scheduled to begin culinary school Aug. 31. She said he dreamed of eventually having a food truck and opening a restaurant.
"He wanted to do so many things," Dobson said. "He had plans."
Those plans were cut short Aug. 7.
According to the York-Poquoson Sheriff's Office, deputies responded around 9:50 p.m. to the 100 block of Emma Rose Court after receiving a report of gunshots.
Deputies found Cotman suffering from a gunshot wound to his chest. The sheriff's office said a deputy provided medical attention before Cotman was taken to a hospital, where he later died.
Dobson said her son had gone to a going-away cookout for a close friend he had known since childhood. She said going out like that was unusual for Cotman, who generally stayed close to home.
She still remembers the phone call telling her that her son had been shot.
"I got a phone call that, 'Aunt Shanda, Wee Wee's been shot,'" Dobson recalled. "And I said, 'He's been shot?' And I get up and I go to his room because I'm thinking he's actually in the room."
She said Cotman had been home less than an hour earlier.
Dobson checked her son's location on his phone and headed to the hospital.
She said she began to fear the worst when hospital staff did not immediately take her back to see him.
"I already knew that he was gone," Dobson said. "I knew in my heart that something was wrong."
Investigators later obtained warrants for 20-year-old Jayquone Lee Jones of Williamsburg.
According to the York-Poquoson Sheriff's Office, Jones was taken into custody Aug. 24 at the Virginia Peninsula Regional Jail. He is charged with murder and use of a firearm in the commission of a felony and remains incarcerated there.
For Cotman's family, his death has left an absence that extends far beyond his parents.
Dobson said Cotman loved his nieces and nephews. He had 15 of them and did not mind babysitting.
To some of the youngest members of the family, Caleb was simply "Wee Wee."
Those children are now asking questions that Dobson struggles to answer.
"They're coming, 'Where is Wee Wee? Can you call Wee Wee?'" she said.
Dobson said she tries to explain that Caleb is in heaven. One of the children had another idea.
"'But Jesus will. Can you call Jesus so I can talk to Wee Wee?'" Dobson recalled the child asking.
"I wish it was that easy," she said. "I wish it was that easy because I would call and talk to him myself."
Dobson said the grief can sometimes feel like a "brain fog."
"I feel like I'm missing a part of my brain. Part of my heart is gone," she said. "When I wake up in the morning, I just feel foggy. I feel like I'm missing something."
Cotman had been a constant presence in the family's home, Dobson said, including helping care for his younger sister while his mother worked.
"He always was home to watch over Mama and his sister," she said. "He never really left us."
Dobson said her faith and her surviving children have helped her continue moving forward.
"What helps me is I just thank God that I'm able to get up," she said. "I thank God that He has given me the strength to keep going."
But she is also trying to turn her family's pain into a message for other families about gun violence and the consequences a single decision can have.
Dobson said she wants parents to pay attention to their children's behavior, who they spend time with and what they are doing on social media.
"Pay attention to your children, pay attention to their actions, the friends they hang around, the things they're doing on social media, all of that," she said. "You have to pay attention."
Dobson also said she is not consumed by anger toward the person accused of killing her son.
"I'm not angry or mad at him," she said. "I just want him to learn his lesson. I want him to understand that pulling out a gun and shooting doesn't solve a problem. It kills people."
She pointed to everything her own family has lost while the person accused in the case remains alive.
"My 15 grandkids can't see their uncle," Dobson said. "We got one more baby on the way. They can't see their uncle anymore."
She hopes young people understand that decisions made in a matter of seconds can have consequences that last for generations.
"You don't understand what you're doing until it's done," Dobson said. "If you make better choices and decisions, and you think about the situation, think about it. His life could have been saved."
She said one decision to walk away could have resulted in an entirely different outcome.
That message is also one reason Dobson agreed to publicly tell her son's story.
When News 3 asked why she felt it was important to speak about Caleb, she said she wants the community to understand that her son was more than the circumstances of his death.
"Caleb represented positivity. Caleb was a protector. Caleb was an uncle. He was a best friend," Dobson said. "He meant something to this community, and he means something to me."
She said her son deserves to be remembered as an 18-year-old with plans for his future, a love for his family and dreams he never got the opportunity to fulfill.
"He wanted something out of life," she said. "He loved his family. He meant something."
Dobson said hundreds of people attended Cotman's homegoing service, a turnout that showed her just how many lives her son had touched.
She now hopes his story can touch others in a different way.
"His story deserves to be told because it's time for a change in our community," Dobson said. "And if he's the one that's going to bring the change, and I have to speak up, then that's what I'm going to do."
Her message is straightforward.
"They need to put the guns down and put the hands up."
Click here to see how we use AI at WTKR News 3.
